The Breakdown
The alarm goes off. It’s 5:30am, still dark outside, and my bed is nice and warm. I don’t want to get up. I know if I don’t get up, my already hectic day will become chaos times two. I reluctantly get up, get in the shower, and head off to work. I am an executive assistant for a large corporation. I get there before everyone else to get a quiet start on the day, and I usually leave after everyone.
I get the calendars printed, documents for all calendared meetings in folders and on the executives’ desks so they are ready to go when they arrive. I make sure the printer is on and warmed up and everything is in place. I read through the 50+ emails that have come into my inbox in the last 12 hours. I answer the ones I can right away and make notes to follow up on the ones that need more information. I get me some hot water for my tea and fill up my water bottle. I sit at my desk and take a deep breath and brace myself for the day ahead.
It’s now 8a.m., and here we go. Everyone is arriving at the office and the hustle and bustle begins. I spend my day monitoring calendars and making sure my executives get to and from their meetings on time. I re-arrange calendars for that day, if needed, and for the calendar meetings in the future. I have people at my desk all day, off and on, asking questions or looking for executives and when they will be available. I work on reports and presentations. It’s a constant day of changes and challenges. What I thought I was going to work on does not happen.
Before I know it, it’s 6pm. Everyone is gone, and it is getting dark. I clean up and organize items for the next day. I either grab some fast food or eat leftovers at home. Most nights I am at a friend’s house helping them with whatever they are struggling with in life. I am there to give encouragement and make them feel better for a few hours, then I head home to get ready for bed. I have so many things running through my head, tasks I need to complete tomorrow, and I have to take sleeping pills to go to sleep. I got in bed and got all cozy and warm, and now it’s 5:30a.m. again and I don’t what to get up.
Fast forward many years, and it’s still the same routine. How did I allow this to happen? I have lost myself and who I am. Where has the time gone? I am getting older, my kids are growing up and in college, and I am exhausted and frustrated. Why don’t I have this figured out by now? Why am I always working? Where is my time? When do I get to do what I want, and not what everyone else wants or needs? I have forgotten how to have hope for a better, calmer life for myself. I need a change but have no clue where to begin. I keep telling myself I just have to get through this one project, this one company spin, this board meeting etc., then things will calm down and I will have time for me. I feel like I am standing in silence, invisible, watching the days and years swirl by all around me. Everything is moving so fast. Everyone is going about their day, and I don’t recognize myself anymore.
A long time ago, I made my younger self a promise. I picture her in my mind. She is roughly 5 years old and looking into a mirror, with pigtails in her hair and a big smile on her face. Let’s call her Hope. I promised her that I would make her happy and give her a life she deserved, but then somehow, I just forgot to give it to her. Everyone was getting the priority seat instead of her (me). It feels crazy, but I do have dreams, desires, wants, and needs, and I want to fulfill them. But I have created a life where everyone else takes priority over me, my schedule, and my life. I don’t see a clear highway ahead. Everything seems so far out of reach. I was at a breaking point, and something had to change.
This is when the day of hope came to life. I figured out a fun simple solution to take back myself and love me again and I did it all by breaking down on my living room floor. We have all had those moments of total despair, and this was mine. The actual moment when I decided enough was enough and did something about it.
This was a full-on breakdown not just a flat tire. Full on, hood up, smoke coming out, wearing high heels, on a deserted highway, and completely alone.
It was December 2012. I remember it was snowing and cold. I was sitting in the front room of a house I was renting at the time, A Mother in-law place with two bedrooms and one bathroom. It was small and attached to another house with an old fifties/sixties build. Narrow kitchen, hardwood floors, and a large dining and living room. The fireplace was going, and I had just sat on the floor in front of the real wood fire. I sat with my back to the fireplace, papers, corkboard, quotes, magazine cut outs, and thumb tacks spread out in front of me. I was starting my vision board for 2013. I would look at the board each morning in my closet as I picked out my clothes for work. Now I take a picture of it on my cell phone and save it as a favorite. I can access it every day, and I always have it.
I take a day or an evening every year in December to determine what I want to happen in the coming year and put it on the board. In the beginning it was simple for me to do this as I really didn’t believe in them. Every year the dreams and wishes I put on the vision board have come true. I have learned to be extra careful and thoughtful about what I wish for. I watch The Secret movie each year, based on the book by Rhonda Byrne, and Eat Pray Love, based on the memoir by Elizabeth Gilbert with the amazing actress Julia Roberts as the lead. I just finished watching Eat Pray Love, and I think that was why I was on my living room floor; in the pivotal scene in that movie, she is on her floor asking for a sign. I looked at my board, thinking to myself, “I really need to somehow get ‘me’ time on the vision board this year. I am feeling overworked, overstressed, and there seems to be no end in sight.” At that critical point in my life, my faith in staying healthy and sane was wavering. My bucket list was collecting dust, and I was pushing forty-five. Time to get on with living life. No more living dead while still breathing.
I know forty-five is young, but at the time I thought it was old. If you are reading this and you are younger than forty-five, you get a gold star for starting this now. If you’re older than forty-five, you get two gold stars, as it’s harder to change our habits when we get older. Incorporating this day of hope is a habit worth adopting at any age.
We all have situations we are dealing with on all different levels. My situation is not any worse or better than yours. I knew at that moment no vision board was going to give me extra time. I must do the work and make it happen. I was exhausted. It had been a long year. Suddenly, there was a moment of silence; I began to sob uncontrollably. You know that gut-wrenching sobbing where you just don’t know what to do anymore? You’re at your breaking point and the light at the end of the tunnel always seems to be a train heading straight for you? Yes, that moment.
I finally came out of it and thought, “No more. I am going to take time for myself if it kills me.” At that moment, I thought it might. Time for me was nonexistent and seemed like a mountain too steep to climb.
This is how the conversation in my head went between my fantasy brain and reality brain:
Fantasy brain: Okay let’s do this! I won’t be able to disappear for a year to Bali and find my Zen like Liz in Eat Pray Love, but I can do something, right? Every Tuesday and Thursday, I am going to focus on me. I am not making any plans with anyone else, and I am going to have those two days for me. Yeah, that will work.
Reality Brain: I won’t even commit to being home the same night each week to watch a television series. I record it to watch in my spare time. Hello! That is not a plan I will stick to.
Fantasy Brain: Okay, how about every Sunday I do things for me? That’s manageable, right? That’s a good plan, let’s go with that. Okay, Every Sunday, I will…
Reality Brain: Sunday won’t work either. Sunday is food prep day; I have football church (you watch football all day), sometimes I take vacations that incorporate weekends, and plan family dinners. Stop making this harder than it is. Pick one day a month for yourself. Pick one day and start there. If I won’t take one day a month for me, with everything I do for everyone else, then there is something wrong.
Fantasy: Okay, one day a month. This might be doable. Yes, let’s go with using one day a month. What day?
Hmmmmm
Reality: Just pick a day for crying out loud. Why is this hard?
Fantasy: Okay, that’s enough. What is your favorite number? Pick your favorite number.
Reality: My favorite number is #13. Done!
The day has been chosen. Whew! The Aha moment of hope arrived, and the universe was in alignment. I felt the stress leaving my body and became calm. I could do only one day a month. I look down at my vision board and realized the coming year was 2013, I smiled with joy.
This is how the idea of getting my life back, using only one day a month, was discovered. I was very excited to start planning and dreaming of what I might do each day.
Now, 10 years later, I still get up at 5:30am to go to my job, but my thoughts and attitude have changed. Through the process of taking my day of hope each month. I have learned to love me first. I have found my hope and my path forward. I also look forward to my one day every month. When things get hard to deal with, I just dream about my day on the horizon. I am looking forward to having you find your special highway and sharing it with others to help them.
Like a highway, life can seem endless and scary when we don’t see or know the future or where it leads. There are no guarantees and life can end at any time. Life is short. You never know when it’s your time to leave this planet. Let’s make the most of it while we are still alive and have a choice.
