Day of Hope #32

Thursday August 13, 2015

Goal: Learn to say goodbye

Quote: “Tears are words that need to be written.” – Paulo Coehho

I have an all-day spa day planned for Thursday the 13th, but I needed to do something much more important.

I don’t really know where to begin. My dad is dying.

On my day of hope, I chose to drive to Utah to help him and my sister who lives there and takes care of him. It takes a special person to help and take care of an aging parent. My sister Sally is one of those people. I am so grateful to her and all she does for our dad, and how she takes care of him, even when he is cranky, or acts ungrateful. His liver is failing, and his oxygen levels are low. They have done so many tests. They are saying he could go at any time. 

We had to create a funeral list and write my speech for his funeral. I wrote 13 things my dad taught me. My sister wrote an amazing poem for him as well. Everyone knows in the back of their minds that it’s the circle of life and none of us get out alive, but we always seem to think it’s so far in the future. When it happens fast, it’s a tough reality to face. 

It started with his feet. They swelled so much he could not get his shoes on. He is stubborn and it’s tough to get him to go to the doctor. I had to threaten him into going. He finally went.

They gave him some water pills which helped a bit, but they also ordered a CT scan. The scan was on a Thursday, and I drove to Utah. We had a big family BBQ planned on Friday to get everyone together, as we could see he was getting worse. He was home and on Friday we had all the food ready. Then the doctor’s office called and said he needed to head to the ER right away. They had found something they were very concerned about and wanted to take another scan. Of course, my dad told me it was my fault, because I made him go to the doctor, and my sister and I weren’t sure if he would leave the hospital. Several hours after we arrived at the ER, they finally came to talk to us. 

The doctors had found small holes in his stomach where the air was escaping. If blood got into the holes he would die. They wanted to admit him right away. Dad says, “I have a barbeque to get to and need to drink some beer, so it better be quick.” Oh no. 

The doctor told us he needs to call the surgeon first. What? A surgeon? I knew if he went into surgery, he would not come out. I was not prepared for that at all. We sat in the waiting room again for several hours. The Barbeque went on without us. My sister and I decided if the doctors came back, and wanted to perform surgery, we would not stay. We would break him out of the ER. We all knew his liver was failing but the holes were a whole new issue. He couldn’t die now. I was not ready. His oxygen levels dropped in the ER, and we thought he was gone. Somehow, he recovered, and they did not end up having to perform surgery.

They moved him into a room for the night to keep a close watch on him for 24 hours. Since everyone was there for the barbeque, all the grandkids came to the hospital to see him and say their goodbyes. They let him know they would all be ok if he wants to go and that they understood. 

My sister and I finally left the hospital that night when he went to bed. I still don’t know how we ate or slept after all that, not knowing if he will be awake in the morning. When we went back to the hospital the next morning, he was wide awake and ready to leave, now! He told us he was leaving no matter what. We had to wait for the doctor to release him and we got him out. Time will tell if he recovers or not.  As of today, he is doing well and has stopped drinking. His liver has fully recovered, and he is managing to hang in there the best he can. 

My lesson of hope:  Life is so short, and I know this, but watching someone suffer and reflect on their lives is tough. It makes me really think about my life too, and what I want out of it. I want more. I want to help people and write my book. That is what I will be focusing on.